I’ve long struggled to function in social circles where people “drop hints” in the form of nonverbal cues or indirect statements. As a literal communicator by nature, I tend to miss a lot of cues that seem obvious to others. Perhaps it’s a socialization issue or cultural mismatch, but it took me a long time to recognize the nefarious nature of what I once naively attributed to a basic human fallacy or incompetence.
The dark side of human nature leads to the development of class hierarchies. People like to “put other people in their place.” Human societies like to create a pack-like dynamic where some people are seen as better than others. I believe the design of “politeness” serves the purpose of keeping people low on the totem pole and centralizing power within the ranks of a few. The system is simple: we look and feel justified in shunning and ostracizing people we deem “rude” by societal standards (which conveniently fit the definitions invented by those in control).
I used to believe that “dropping hints” was a practice that developed by simple inertia in homogenous cultures where words became unnecessary between those who shared a common understanding. But let’s be honest and cut the crap. We didn’t fall into the dysfunctions of human nature by accident. We became nasty and ugly on purpose. We don’t create class systems by accident or even due to greed. There is a dark and malicious side to human nature that desires to create suffering for no reason at all. You can see the element of basic human malice in a young child.
We devised conventions of “politeness” as a form of quiet warfare. We use knowledge of sayings as a litmus test for obedience. The words “thank you” provide us with an example. Many cultures teach the idea that it is polite to say “thank you” and rude not to. In recent years, I’ve heard frequent complaints on social media when children don’t say “thank you” after receiving a gift of candy on Halloween, or when children display what their elders judge inadequate gratitude for the gifts they receive at other occasions. A gift is not a gift if something is expected in return. I believe that if offense is taken at the absence of the words “thank you,” the affair is actually a transaction. A more honest way to approach the situation might be to say, “I’d like to propose a deal. I will offer you a new toy, wrapped in shiny paper, and as a condition of the deal, you agree to say the words ‘thank you’ in such a convincing manner as to appear genuinely thankful.”
Of course, our society is not prepared for the level of honesty outlined in the above paragraph. So at times, we must wear our masks and play along with the game. You pretend to give me a gift, and we pretend the gift isn’t a transaction. I say “thank you” as if voluntarily motivated to say the words from the bottom of my heart as an act of inspired gratitude. Acting is part of the deal. Theatrics lose their value if we admit out loud that we’re role-playing.
How are we, as quiet revolutionaries, to go about disrupting the pattern we see? We can make an art or a game of joining forces and inventing our own rules of politeness. But in doing so, we risk becoming oppressors and trading one evil for another. We could rather begin by looking for openings to point out what’s really going on. We can write and speak about the dynamics in play when people manipulate the words “thank you” to selfish ends or to exercise control over the subconscious minds of those whom they wish to condition into obedience.
The structure that we all need to recognize is simple at the bones: “When I say or do X, you say or do Y.” In the structure of X and Y, X leads and Y follows. Thus, X controls the dynamic. When we live in a society of Xs and Ys, the most common response is to attempt to occupy the position of X. We want play “X” because X controls the game. A true act of rebellion, and the most difficult, is to refuse to play the game. Here we begin to see the nature of the true challenge before us. If we wish to exit the game, we must begin to play a different game.
We can see the dynamics of X and Y in play in many different situations. Recognition, in the moment, is the first step.
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