Commitment

Recently I was exploring my relationship to the word “commitment.” Throughout most of my life, I have heard the word in a negative connotation. I have historically associated commitment with a lack of freedom, and I have also associated commitment with deception and dishonesty. My experience with commitment as often involved, entering into a contract of some sort, only to find that the arrangement is not as advertised.

When I notice that my personal experience and emotional biases are potentially skewing my view of a word, I sometimes find it useful to go back to objective definitions as a starting point. I found a bunch of different definitions of the word “commitment.”

“An agreement or pledge to do something in the future”

“the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause or activity”

“the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled”

“an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action”
“a promise or firm decision to do something”

As I mulled over the different definitions of commitment, I asked myself: what would be a productive and useful way to think about commitment? How would I like to think of the word?

I decided that the best course of action was to start with my “shadow” definition of commitment (the purely negative connotation that had become my default) and invert the language to its opposite. I’ll illustrate the process here.

“How do I see commitment now?”

• Giving away my free will
• A burden to carry forever
• Irreversible
• A trap, scam, or ripoff
• A cudgel of shame that others will use to manipulate or humiliate me
• Forcing myself to do unpleasant things
• Being stuck
• Being taken advantage of
• Regretting my decision after it’s too late to change my mind
• Sisyphus pushing a boulder up and down a hill

“What does the opposite look like?”

Giving away my free will: Regaining my free will

A burden to carry forever: Being finally relieved of a burden I had been carrying forever

Irreversible: The key to seeing clearly what I had been seeing backwards

A trap, scam, or ripoff: A gift, a bargain, receiving in great measure in exchange for a small sacrifice

A cudgel of shame that others will use to manipulate or humiliate me: A badge of honor that others will hold up to glorify me and lift me up

Forcing myself to do unpleasant things: Choosing to take on difficult but rewarding things

Being stuck: Having a North Star to guide me and get unstuck whenever I need

Being taken advantage of: Having access to a source of supernatural power that ensures no one can ever take advantage of me

Regretting my decision after it’s too late to change my mind: Regularly basking in the glow of a decision I’m glad I made, knowing that I can change my mind at any time but never would in a million years

Sisyphus pushing a boulder up and down a hill: Riding my bike up and down the street as a kid, never wanting to stop

The next step is to anchor the new context into my current experience. The past taught me to think of the word “commitment” in a particular way. The future doesn’t necessarily have to be an exact mirror image of the past, though some aspects of history will predictably repeat. I can choose what to bring into the next chapter and what to leave behind.

What I will leave behind:

The feeling of being trapped, stolen from, humiliated, or tricked

What I will bring with me from the past:

The strength and resolve to do what I said I would, regardless of my physical or emotional state in the moment

What I will seek out newly:

The commitment to be joyful in all things.

I notice that I don’t really have much choice when it comes to my true commitments, because they are baked into my DNA. When I try to pretend I’m not committed to that which truly matters to me, I violate the core of my own soul. It is not commitment that ever caused my suffering, but rather counterfeit commitment.

Counterfeit commitment might look like:

• Insincere promises made to win someone’s approval

• Declarations made in moments of bravado or ignorance, without being present to what I was saying

• Resentfully saying “yes” out of fear when I knew I wanted to say “no”

• Speaking unconsciously or on auto pilot, following the path of least resistance or most familiarity

• Writing bad checks or spending money I don’t have

If I accept the idea that my commitments are inherent to my soul, then I am committed to my vision of a world that functions as one big intentional community where individuals retain autonomy and privacy, and where everyone is challenged to be the fullest version of their authentic selves. I do not always act perfectly in alignment with my commitment. For many years, I allowed myself to act in opposition to it. Yet, all the while, my soul remained committed. The further I drifted from my commitment, the unhappier I became. I made deals with devils, and I allowed dark pacts to distort my view of commitment.

I conclude, for now, with a question for all of us to mull over: what am I committed to in this moment? I’m setting the intention to remember to ask myself this question periodically.