I’ve recently come to discover that psychological self-defense is an area that a lot of people could benefit from learning more about. Learning to recognize red flags is a key bulwark against manipulative tactics and one I wished I’d learned much sooner in life. One of the most vivid examples was when I formed a business relationship that would end on very bad terms, with me not getting paid for 45 days of work. But let’s be clear about one thing: the whole affair was my fault.
Early Warning Signs
The first red flag appeared when one of the company’s owners displayed unprofessional behavior during a meeting. He arrived in a suddenly angry mood and began snapping at everyone for no apparent reason. The shift in mannerism was so sudden that in retrospect, that incident should have been the end of my dealings with the company. It took me too long to recognize what it really means when a company’s leaders ignore basic standards of professional conduct. As is always the case, the unprofessional behavior proven to be a pattern and continued to worsen.
The Straw That Didn’t Break The Camel’s Back
There’s really no excuse on my part for overlooking this next one. One of the owners hired an intern and asked me to share the “good news” that she would be paid for her work. Later, the owners told the intern she wouldn’t be paid and that no one had ever said otherwise. This blatant dishonesty, not to mention putting me in the middle, revealed the true character of the people I was dealing with. I tried to convince myself that maybe I was the one who was confused (but I knew that I wasn’t confused). I knew better than to ignore this, but I still did.
Escalating Issues
Late payments became a recurring issue. Despite repeated promises to get back on track and agreeing to pay in full by specific dates, the client never followed through. When I confronted them about their broken promise, they sometimes tried to act as if the conversation had never happened. Other times, they just made excuses such as “money is tight right now.” I continued to ignore and rationalize, telling myself that the company’s financial struggles were temporary and that things would improve.
The Breaking Point
The final straw came after I had a “come to Jesus meeting” with one of the owners after payments had continued to get further behind. At this point, I was under significant financial stress and realized I could no longer manage life without knowing when I would be paid. I told them I would not do any more work until they caught up on paying what they owed me. Of course, I never saw another penny from the client. I spoke to two different lawyers to investigate whether it was worth pursuing legal action to collect. Based on the advice I received, I decided to write off the loss and move on.
Today, when I enter into any relationship (personally or professionally), I have learned to think about exit strategies as a defensive measure. The harder it is to leave a relationship, the more manipulative power an abusive individual can wield in the situation. So we all need to make sure we have a way out. That said, I think it’s equally important not to let the worst people make us jaded toward the best people. There are people who do deserve our trust, respect, and loyalty. We need to learn to recognize these people and keep them close by.
The wrong people can potentially reveal themselves quickly, but some of the more clever ones remain hidden. Only the test of time can separate true friends from false friends. Sooner or later, a skilled manipulator will find it harder to keep up the act.
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